umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
