Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
