the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
