Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
