that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
