Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
