God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
