i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
