Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and she was petting her beer can
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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