i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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