Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
