i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
