That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
