Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
