My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
