he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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