she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
