Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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