I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
