85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
