she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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