you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
