guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
