If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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