after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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