i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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