I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
