You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She needs sedatives and a leash
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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