apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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