I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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