yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
