i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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