i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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