The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
