That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
