I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
