I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
