i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I want to be your penis for a week.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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