I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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