i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
