All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We are all done wearing pants today
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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