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So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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