I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
