Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
