i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
