I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
