Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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