just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
