I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize