so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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