apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
