I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
