I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
