new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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