let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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