I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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