i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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