my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
