i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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